Revision

Romeo and Juliet could never be together just like Fredrick and Shoshanna. Romeo and Juliet belonged to the Montague and Capulet families, who had been feuding for years. This play was set during fragmented Italy when it was not rare to find noble families fighting. Inglorious Basterds is set during World War II when the German’s are murdering Jewish people living throughout Europe. Fredrick is a distinguished member of the Nazi army performing the massive Holocaust against the Jews, and Shoshanna is one of those Jews. If the war had not been occurring at that time when Fredrick and Shoshanna met, it is quite possible they may have ended up together. Tarantino tells viewers his thoughts on their relationship: “In any other time in the 20th century, they could have been in love. Except for that one time.” 3 Romeo and Juliet’s situation is identical because if they were born into the non-feuding families, they could have fallen in love also. While these star-crossed lovers are from different centuries, both their situations lead the lovers to ultimately “violent ends.” 1

The above excerpt is taken from my paper. This was the draft I initially turned into be graded, and I have made improvements in the following essay below. There is one grammatical error on the word “German’s.” This should not be a possessive word and should be written just as “Germans.” The next error in this paragraph was stating the wrong description for Fredrick. He is not a “distinguished member” of the army; Fredrick is only a Private. While Fredrick is well known for his sniper skills, this does not give him a distinguished ranking. Dr. Simrill suggested that I should explain more thoroughly why the two, Shoshanna and Fredrick, could not be together. Laws were actually in place to prohibit the marriage between Germans and Jews during the Holocaust. The quote from Tarantino included in the paragraph is such a powerful quote that it should be the epigraph of the whole paper, instead of the Romeo and Juliet Quote. The above paragraph also seems to be incredibly long and exhausting to read. It would be wise to separate it into two paragraphs.

Romeo and Juliet could never be together just like Fredrick and Shoshanna. Romeo and Juliet belonged to the Montague and Capulet families, who had been feuding for years. This play was set during fragmented Italy when it was not rare to find noble families fighting. Inglorious Basterds is set during World War II when the Germans are murdering Jewish people living throughout Europe. Fredrick is a Private in the Nazi army performing the massive Holocaust against the Jews, and Shoshanna is one of those Jews. If the war had not been occurring at that time when Fredrick and Shoshanna met, it is quite possible they may have ended up together.

During the Holocaust, the Law for the Protection of German Blood and German Honor had just recently been passed. This legislation was “to prohibit interracial marriage or sexual relations” between Jewish, Aryan and mixed, or “mongrel,” people. 4 Shoshanna, a Jew, and Fredrick, a German, could never be together because of their ethnicities and family backgrounds. Romeo and Juliet’s situation is identical because if they were born into the non-feuding families, they could have fallen in love also. While these star-crossed lovers are from different centuries, both their situations lead the lovers to ultimately “violent ends.”1

The above excerpt is taken from my edited paragraph to be turned in for the portfolio. The single paragraph has been split into two to make the thoughts easier for the readers to understand. It is also less intimidating to a reader when they read two small paragraphs compared to one large paragraph. For the most part, the first paragraph has remained the same. There were the few changes mentioned in the previous paragraph about improvement. The majority of the changes occur in the second paragraph.

New information is added to provide the readers more factual evidence to support the writer’s claim. A quote is used to provide to the readers how exactly the law reads. The Tarantino quote has been placed as the epigraph of the paper since it sums up the majority of the paper’s main idea. The old epigraph is still included in final sentence of this paragraph with the words “violent ends.” These are direct words taken from the script of Romeo and Juliet.

The changes made to this section of the portfolio prove how my writing has improved over the semester. I have learned how to provide factually supported evidence to compare situations. I have also learned how to make an epigraph to draw the reader into the essay as a whole. Before this English class, I had never even thought to use an epigraph. The class has continued to teach me how to use different sentence structures to keep the readers interested and not drone on as a writer.

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